I Missed That...

Before making the previous post, I failed to look at the post before that. #1) I couldn't spell for crap. It's BULIMIA, but nice try. #2) My eating disorder stemmed up before I thought.
I had no idea that I'd ever typed that out. I'd forgotten completely. But... to know that I had ideas of having an eating disorder a YEAR before I developed my eating disorder, makes me feel like a FAILURE. I could have started then, and lost a BUNCH more weight by now. OR I could've gotten help. I could've told someone and seen someone; gone somewhere, but no. Now I'm stuck with people who know and don't give a fuck. These people all know how fat I feel and they still call me a - AND I QUOTE - "fat lazy cow." These people know that I hate to eat, yet they still hover over my shoulder when I'm in the kitchen, and berade me about what I'm eating. They know that I throw up and not once have they tried to stop me.
But what hurts the most is knowing that I could have avoided this. I could have had this NEVER happen. But I'm dumb; I'm a failure; I'll never be good enough for them, and I'll never be important enough for them to notice. I'll never be enough for them to call 'beautiful'.
That's all I really want... is for someone to call me beautiful.

Check Back

I haven't been to this blog in over a year. Since then, I've developed a drug addiction, and an eating disorder. I am pulling through. Not in hopes that one day my life will get better; not in hopes that one day I'll recover and have children and live happily ever after. No.. it is my hope that by pulling through, perhaps one day I'll be good at this. Perhaps one day, I'll be good at having an eating disorder (be 100lbs) or have enough money to support my addiction. I pull through EVERY day in the hopes that one day it'll be easier to pull through. I would never be so naive to wish recovery. You can take cigarettes away from a smoker, but that doesn't take away the mental drive. You can force food on an anorexic, but it will not take away the feeling in your mind that you are too big. Nothing can take that away, and though I eat the meals that you make me eat, I will NEVER enjoy them, and I will turn back to this all when I move out. When I hold the cards, I'll live in a house with an empty fridge, and an ounce in the cupboard. And I'll be happy with that lifestyle. That's what no one understands; if I could just live the life that I want to live and live it comfortably, I would be happy. That would be my happily ever after.