Check Back

I haven't been to this blog in over a year. Since then, I've developed a drug addiction, and an eating disorder. I am pulling through. Not in hopes that one day my life will get better; not in hopes that one day I'll recover and have children and live happily ever after. No.. it is my hope that by pulling through, perhaps one day I'll be good at this. Perhaps one day, I'll be good at having an eating disorder (be 100lbs) or have enough money to support my addiction. I pull through EVERY day in the hopes that one day it'll be easier to pull through. I would never be so naive to wish recovery. You can take cigarettes away from a smoker, but that doesn't take away the mental drive. You can force food on an anorexic, but it will not take away the feeling in your mind that you are too big. Nothing can take that away, and though I eat the meals that you make me eat, I will NEVER enjoy them, and I will turn back to this all when I move out. When I hold the cards, I'll live in a house with an empty fridge, and an ounce in the cupboard. And I'll be happy with that lifestyle. That's what no one understands; if I could just live the life that I want to live and live it comfortably, I would be happy. That would be my happily ever after.

Insights..

Is self-mutilation (self-harming) such a bad thing? If it helps to get you through the days, it can't be that bad. From my point of view, though, if someone asked me WHY I thought that, I'd tell them 'Well.. would you rather walk into your childs room and see them with a razor blade pressed to their arm, OR walk into your kids room to find them hanging on a belt from their light?' So which would you rather??? Obviously, self-harm. Luckily, for my parents, I don't cut. Tried it lots of times before, but it doesn't seem to do anything for me but cause more stress because I have to figure out how to hide it while doing the dishes or whatever. So it doesn't help. But I'm thinking that bulemia might help with my self-esteem a bit. It might motivate me to do some more things, too. Because say I eat... 2 peices of pizza and a can of pop. Now I feel fat, because that's all I've eaten today, and I KNOW that that's binging and I KNOW that binging just makes you fatter than you were to begin with. So what should I do??? ...I shouuullllddd... find an excuse to barf it all up. So that's what I do. And THEN, now that I've barfed, I have motivation to brush my teeth and get rid of that taste, and to have a shower to get rid of that smell. So it's a win/win situation... for me. I get to have better cleansliness, and.. well, just better all-over appearence. Anyone want to share YOUR thoughts on the situation??